Dude, you kind of rock. In fact, the only person cooler than you are right now is Todd Palin and that's only because he's banging Sarah. Who knows? Maybe one day she'll become one of those "Obama-mamas" and you'll get a shot at her too. (wink). Anyway, I guess you're getting ready to open up these gates soon. Yeah, guys around here already have their bags packed and rumor is you're letting us out and we're all getting "Green Jobs". Either that or you are just gonna do away with the prison system entirely and we get to roan around the country living lawlessly. I mean, I'm down with it if you are. And you don't have to trip 'cause I've definitely got your back. But if all this crazy talk around here is just a bunch of jailhouse rumors and I'm still stuck in here a year from now, there are a few things that I'd like to see you change.
Please appoint your homeboy Governor Blagojevich to be the next Director of the Federal Bureau of Prisons. I think he's just the kind of guy we need to run things around here.
Please bring back parole. As a guy serving life without the possibility of release for a non-violent drug offense, I think it would be a good idea. But if not, that's cool. How about you hook us up with steak and scallops on Friday nights instead? We used to get that a lot back in the day at USP Leavenworth and I kind of miss that.
Please allow us to have hooker-visits. You notice how I didn't ask for conjugal visits? That's because I'm not trying to do a wife - I'm trying to tap a variety of bitches. And I'm not talking about no Ashley Dupree types either, I'm talking about 20.00 dollars a pop crack whores. And look at it this way. The primary goal for every warden is to maintain "safety and security of the facility". Well, I can assure you that if you allow us to have monthly hooker-visits we'll strive to maintain clear conduct, which in effect will make our environment much safer. It's a win-win situation.
Please stop drug screening urinalysis. Does anyone out there really care if inmates get high? I think not. Besides, drug-testing costs the tax-payer's big money and it does absolutely nothing to deter inmates from using drugs or to stop the flow of illegal drugs into our prisons. Furthermore, drug testing promotes violence. How you ask? Because normally when a person goes to the hole for 60 days for dirty urine they owe one or more drug dealers money. Those drug dealers in turn usually owe money to drug suppliers or drug couriers. The drug suppliers and drug couriers then often owe money to other inmates for things like gambling, debts, hooch, and moonshine. So when the chain gets broken because somebody who wanted to catch a buzz gets knocked for dirty urine and winds up in the hole, somebody somewhere usually owes someone money and nine times out of ten the end result is violence. So you should save the tax-payers money and help stop the violence by abolishing drug-testing.
Please expedite the execution process and start killing more people. The night Timothy McVeigh died we had a BLAST. There were 16 of us at Leavenworth in the hole who spent about 24 hours straight drinking hooch and having a good time and we got so wasted that we forced the administration into calling the Special Operations Response Team (SORT) in on us.
Of course we got shot with rubber bullets, gassed, beat down, extracted from our cells, hog-tied, stripped naked, then ultimately placed in ambulatory restraints for 24 hours, but that's just part of the price you pay to have fun. Also, when I was in the Arkansas Department of Corrections and they executed two people, the rest of us got to eat good! So basically, to me executions represent good times or good things and I just think we should have more of them.
Please bring back porn. They stopped letting us watch R-Rated movies and receiving sexually explicit material around 2000 because some senator who was more than likely a homosexual or a pedophile didn't want us to see naked women anymore. Since then, there's been a serious increase of inmates who stalk female staff members and openly masturbate in front of them. Also, the girls who live in my head are starting to get as old and worn-out as the old porno mags that have been floating around these prisons since the turn of the century. Masturbation has definitely lost its fun; fresh porn would sure help.
Please sell booze, clean needles, and condoms in here. Let's face it. You can turn damn near anything into hooch and I have yet to serve time in any facility where someone wasn't making wine and often, moonshine. And a large number of federal prisons are flooded with drugs and I don't see that changing ever! Why not just tax the crap out of booze to help the economy and sell it to prisoners who are going to drink it anyway, let dope-fiends buy new needles so they don't have to share and spread Hep C, and let the fudgepackers purchase condoms because most of them are just going to get out and infest their communities with diseases they caught in prison if you don't! It all sounds very logical to me.
Please give us our own televisions or at least let us purchase our own. There are more fights in prison over TVs than drugs, alcohol, and gambling combined. If we can have TVs in our cells, cubicles, or even at the foot our bunks, it would provide a much safer environment.
Please let us have concerts. They used to let famous musicians come into federal prisons and perform live concerts. Then some rapper chick went to USP Lompoc and the Crips and the Bloods totally lost it and started rioting. Well, some of those Crips and Bloods are my friends and I've talked to them about it and they promised never to do it again. How about if we start out slow by letting some country artists perform then we'll ease into rock 'n roll and ultimately rap. I think everyone deserves a second chance and we're all ready to behave.
Please grant me a Pardon. Now don't get confused - I'm not ready to get out yet. I need at least 15 calendars to get my mind right and I've got about 3-1/2 years to go. But when the time does come, I would like you to let me out. And I would like you to give me a parole too if ya could swing it. Oh! And dinner at the White House with a bunch of your friends. Can I sit in between Oprah and Lil’ Wayne? I really like them. And please invite Jay-Z and B as well - that would be awesome!
And finally, on a serious note Mr. President, I wish you the best. I sincerely hope that you can bring about the change in our country that you promised on the campaign trail.
Sincerely,
Robert Rosso
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